Have you ever just existed? Autopilot engages and you’re stuck to sit back and watch while you go with the flow? I call it floating. I’ll explain what I mean.
What is Floating?
Floating reminds me of a close cousin to daydreaming but floating takes it to a different level. Almost like astral projection but instead of escaping the body you are teleported deeper into your subconscious. The similarity to daydreaming comes from the internal drift down the stream of consciousness. The difference is the body continues acting out tasks and responding to others while you are not fully aware. Autopilot’s switch flipped on.
While in my head, I see my body floating in a void. Kind of like being in an isolation tank. It could even have the same sensory feel but I wouldn’t know for sure since I’ve never been in one of those tanks. The longer I am there the more details start to appear or if you ever stared at a ceiling too long and you start to see colors, it can seem like that.
I am unsure if this is common or if you can practice a technique to train your brain to float. (Before I do any research, I wanted to share my experiences.) What I do know is I only float when I am at an emotional overload. A breaking point, if you will, where tears flow freely but nothing gets resolved. Some pressure gets out of my jar full of suppressed feelings. Just enough so I can close the lid. But anything passed that I am still trying to figure out.
My Enclosed Room
I say in an enclosed room because for me, I’m in the four walls of my mind. With just two windows, my eyes, to watch everything unfold before me. The floor covered in a sea of unmarked headstones. The walls painted in overlapping colors and markings. And the ceiling is what makes this room in my head so much more interesting.
If the wall art doesn’t seep onto the ceiling, it opens up to a galaxy view that I only once floated out of, right before I was pulled back to reality. Other than that one time, I have not been able to escape said room when I’m put there. And I’m randomly pushed back into my body once it feels I’m no longer welcomed.
There’s two parts to this room though. I describe the inside but through the “windows” I can see what is happening. While in the room I don’t control the rotation of me bobbing about. But when I get a view of those windows I can see what I’m doing out in the real world. Normally it’s mundane things. And on few occasions it wasn’t.
I found myself snapping back and I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot of my job. How I got there? I wasn’t sure but thank goodness I got there in one piece. It would happen again at the start of shift too. I’d be aware when it was time for break and during shift I’d just float. It made my ten hour shifts go by faster so no complaints there. But the more I put off emptying my jar the worse the blackouts got.
That used to be my days for short periods of time. A week here and a month there. I wouldn’t even know what day it was when I’d lay down for bed. Most of it would come back to me though. As soon as I closed my eyes memories flooded in of what I missed out on. And the cycle would occur again.
Most Recent Example
You might be thinking, “that’s a result of drinking too much or being on drugs”. Well I’ll have you know I haven’t tried either of those things. Nor do I have any interest in them. (And yes, I’m 26.)
It was a result of not handling any of my issues. My being collapsing into itself so I can handle my problems face to face. I have a lot to sort out within my head. And the biggest drama that comes to mind first was when I broke up with my boyfriend, at the time.
We were together for 4 years. I never allowed myself to process the break up. Instead, it got covered up by the number of suitors giving me attention I never got before. It was nice. But an illusion.
I felt too much but that sadness never found its way to the surface. All the new fascinating people who suddenly appeared helped to burry away that pain. Quick text responses, late night phone calls, people actually trying to get to know me. (Even though I never opened up). None of this gave me a chance to acknowledge it. I fell into a different world and I enjoyed every second of it. But it didn’t last.
My mysterious ways became off putting. All these people so interested just gave up because I didn’t know how to reciprocate.
That’s how I spun it around when in actuality I distanced myself. I pulled away from everyone. 1. Because too much interaction was far passed draining for an introvert. And 2. I did not have any urge to tell anyone my issues especially after a break up. Then it started to surface.
The Break up Became Real
I gave up a bonded love to see what else was there because I felt stuck. Once I lost the stagnate relationship and abandoned my new friends, I had nothing but my suppressed feelings and overwhelming emotions. And I couldn’t imagine how he must have felt. And I didn’t imagine it because I was now dealing with pain that had escalated ten fold. I didn’t have time to think about anyone but myself. Putting more issues on hold.
Eventually, we both got closure. We talked about it a couple of times and it took me a while to release the guilt of the whole situation. (But moving forward is the name of the game, right? And dealing with stuff you have no more control over is in the past, where it should no long hold an affect on you, right?)
Wrong! Everything in the past that I have buried has a way of punching through the dirt and haunting me.
My Unhealthy Habit
I allowed the guilt to weigh me down. Guilt that was falsely felt because after I spent some time wallowing in my room, something changed.
Before that though, I was only existing in routine. I had no further drive than to just go to work and come back home. Floating my days away. (My appetite never changed or my will to stay hygienic.) It was a small phase of depression I didn’t feel comfortable letting myself out of.
I’m big on putting myself through my own “just deserts”. It makes me feel better though still not a solution or healthy. I rather put myself through something then face the actual repercussions.
Not knowing what’s to come gives me anxiety so making my own punishment eases me. That’s why I watch the same movies 10 times. I already know what to expect.
But eventually enough is enough and a change happens. In my enclosed room I start to put the pieces together and see the bigger picture. Yes there was emotions and feelings of pain, lost love and weakness to go back. But the bigger picture, after I peeked passed all of that, was I was free.
When I saw that freedom, a bright light illuminated my otherwise dark mind and it all dissipated. Now, though it may have been just the surface paint on the walls, I didn’t float for quite a while after. But it never truly stopped.
The Graveyard at the Floor of My Mind
There’s more that tries to dig itself out. The only differences are the headstones. They are mostly faded but the feelings attached to them are still there lingering.
Floating above that vast graveyard of overwhelming emotions that are no longer tethered to a memory is maddening. Each one looking for a way out.
In order to do so, I have to visit each grave, figure out what rest there and make peace with it. The longer the headstone has been there the more difficult it is to figure it out. You forget why it was even buried to begin with.
I’m still young so most of them are probably held grudges from my past. Arguments had that were never resolved. Anything honestly because I was never one to let it go. And I definitely wasn’t one to bring it back up again to let it out.
Why a Graveyard?
You may be wondering “why a graveyard?”. Well I’m pretty sure it’s what resonates with me.
In my hometown there where a couple of graveyards. I passed one whenever I walked home from school. Sometimes I would walk in and look at all the names. A different one would catch my attention and I would write it down. When I got home I would create a whole life story based on the information on the headstone.
My mind created it’s own graveyard so I would have that same urge to want to explore it. It hasn’t been appealing so far. I’m aware of it. I know what I’m supposed to do. But because of that it made it easier for me to put it off. Little by little turning floating into a reoccurring madness. But I have noticed there haven’t been any new headstones. I definitely would notice since my room would make it apparent if a new one appeared. Which is helpful but also hindering.
The Murals Covering the Walls
Unresolved feelings paint the walls of my mind and I can’t even reach out to touch them. All I can do is look at them as they form murals I don’t understand. Colors and shapes, I have to figure out before I’m removed. Otherwise, everything is painted over with a different problem the next time I go in. But I sometimes remember them.
What I’ve noticed is when I’m in autopilot I can see this room as clear as day. The shapes, colors, and the feelings they radiate. The moment I am free I can still see it and I have to rush to write it down or draw it out. It’s like trying to remember a dream. Some times are easier than others.
The walls of my enclosed room have inspired a handful of my art work. Floating has been happening for a good while so I took advantage. My more colorful pieces, for example, mainly come from the walls of my mind. I wasn’t to big on color but to see how they meshed together in my head gave me the kick I needed to branch out of my comfort zone.
They are never exact and the finished products normally don’t relate to the initial emotion. But they do make for good art and it keeps me from floating when I draw and write or any art form for that matter. As long as I’m keeping busy but not falling into a pattern, I’ve kept in control. Which is a whole of a lot better. But not a lasting solution.
Final Words
Floating is a reminder that I am not in the right head space. It lets me know that I have some things to work on and to do it now rather than later. Even if it’s something small like calling my mom to tell her about an issue I have. Or sharing with my boyfriend how my day went.
The goal is to dig deep. Talking to someone about current situations instead of me doing it alone in my head. There’s no need for me to imagine how it could go when it can just be happening in real life. I understand what I am doing and the solution. I just have to work on putting it to action.
Words are easier for me to write than to speak so I’m going to continue sharing here in my blog and hopefully it will get me to where I want to be.
Thank you for reading!! And I hope you have an awesome day!!