Common Cycle of Emotions and Feelings

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

---

Thinking back to past memories comes easily when they’re negative and unpleasant. I can remember terrible times and feelings felt that were so dire in the moment but with time, passed. Instead of automatically looking to those better moments I had in-between those awful instances, my mind skips the good and leaps forward to the next misery and so on and so forth. I’ve dealt with a continuous chain of negative mishaps bouncing about my mind until I realized a pattern of emotions it created.

This list is something I was aware of but never truly until recently when I wrote it out. And as I looked at my list of emotions I would go through at my worse, I picked up on it while they occurred and started changing it up. I turned this terrible mental habit into a game of bingo. If I was able to stop myself from falling back into this pattern, at any point, I made sure to acknowledge my progression. Making it apparent to myself that “I got this”. “I can change”.

“Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia

Here is my common cycle of emotions and feelings felt at my worse.

Anxiety Felt

Anxious the moment the mind attempts to escape. No way out, thoughts ricochet causing a severe headache. Xenial relations between the shadowy parts of the brain and new experiences welcomed with great confusion and misleading understandings. Immobilizing any form of positivity new situations could contain. Everything questioned, spiraling down into a maddening cyclone of apprehension. Threatened mentally, the spirit drains almost instantly into nothing more than a shell of better times. Yarning for yesterday’s splendor or dreading the past for today’s misery, tomorrow’s future just seems so far away.

Fatigue Deepens

Feeling too much, the body weakens. Awake for moments, I crave of an never-ending slumber. Tired because my mind continuously over thinks about nonsense that can’t be helped. I find myself wanting only my bed and to be left alone in an unforgiving warmth. Gone to the point I can’t tell what’s going on around me. Unable to process even the simplest conversations or emotions. Especially when my thoughts speak aloud, altogether, all in my voice, but different somehow.

Depression Joins

Deepening sadness waltz in covering my eyes to the excitements that could’ve been. Even on the most beautiful of days, the comfort of bedsheets lull me into false peace the moment productive thoughts attempt to swoop in. Pleading with myself to get up and enjoy the wonders of the day reverses the urgency to do so. Repressed memories instead find their freedom in the middle of the stage accepting nothing more than my full attention. Escape seems futile so I watch the performance with shut eyes because tears cloud them otherwise.

Sadness continues to drain any glimpse of warm light and once smiling faces show only concern as my vessel wanders on autopilot. Suspicions of my state become more obvious but no one truly does anything to help but watch from a distance. Inadvertently my spirit shrivels from the lack of interrogations from those I believed to know me better than others. Order seems lost ,so much so, the little girl gasping for air inside realizes she has some control. No need to feel anything below average.

Jealousy Arises

Joining the mess, envy slips in wrapping her arms around the little girl jading her vision. Emotions have no power until jealousy gives up the wheel. Alining herself with better is the goal, at any cost. Leveling the playing field after depressions was in control means forcing those who are flashing their contentment down a notch.

Of course not all fall affected but the need to make those around feel less then is present. Unnecessary but the desire of being responsible for another’s bad mood takes priority. So much so the lack thereof people to make miserable internalizes instead. Yammering fills the mind and green lights flicker red.

Anger Strikes

An array of unreleased hatred deteriorates any semblance of control. Nothing can ease the chatter and increasing noise of bad vibes left in an enclosed room. Greater hope for someone to feel such wrath than keep it welling inside. Effectively the longer it all sits swelling the mind and clouding the eyes the less oxygen that circulates. Rage becomes too much it passes out knocking it’s victim unconscious.

Sleep Conquers

Striking silence at last, not an ounce of activity. Like hitting the restart button, it black screens before rebooting. Everything goes quiet and it seems safe to relax. Everlasting pause on reality allows dreams to mellow out the rollercoaster of a days worth of emotions. Purple to reds and now black fades into calming blue to end off such a wild time.

Calmness Creeps

Conquering at the end where it matters the most, no need for retrospection. All fades into the past propelling yesterday into the shadows of tomorrow. Laminating those emotions into history that hopefully never repeats. Moments to learn from and work passed feeling only ever light and free.

Nothing weighing down thoughts or gliding through in a rush. Evening out all in preparation for anew, this calm sense of relief lingers for awhile. Sleeping in peace and finally feeling well rested. Sleeping so the mind doesn’t explode in order to wake up with no memory of the mess before.

Aware of My Cycle of Emotions

I recognize myself at my worse in order to keep myself from falling into my common cycle of emotions. Fully aware of each portion makes it easier to stop myself before they escalate. Though it seems it all works itself out in the end finding the calm after the storm, in this case, is frightening. That false calm derives from there being nothing left after over processing so much. It feels numb to all, for a while, until the cycle beings again. I’m not a fan of any of this and I wish I didn’t put myself through any of it. A bad habit is difficult to break but once it is the hope of peace I’ll feel is motivating.

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Thank You

Thank you to those who took the time to read through a more personal topic. This was quite therapeutic and I feel better typing all of it out and publishing it. If it reads a little funny I took each letter of each emotions and created their paragraph. For example, anxiety: the first sentence began with A, the next N and then X and so on. Typing this out following that way of writing made it more poetic and challenging to choice certain words to get my point across. Overall I enjoyed this post and I hope it doesn’t worry anyone since this isn’t a cry for help, though help would be nice sometimes.

I hope you all have a beautiful morning and rest of the day! Thank you again for reading and until next time!