Sunday, July 29, 2023
Why I am Calm
I’m calm now because the moon was able to ease the monster clawing at the walls of my throat. Spoken words neglected but thought, written, and typed words definitely took charge relaxing the crashing waves of hurt and pain. The moon sat with me as I cried out my silent tears of unwantedness last night. We worked through it as I reflected on the why:
See I’m the child to parents who have another and other kids. I’m the child that has plans and goals actively working (knowingly or unknowingly to my parents) continuously toward them almost desperately. The child that has her head on right and is, their favorite word, “responsible”. I’m the child they need not worry about for compared to the other children I’m the most capable. The one they believe they can come to when they need and willingly I am accommodating. I’m the child they did not place all their energy on now because of how I hold myself as the adult I am today.
Reflecting on Newfound Peace
It took much reflecting under the moon for me to come to terms that this was to be seen and taken as an honor and accomplishment. I took it as a child would but I’m no longer a child. In fact, I’m an adult looking to buy a house, almost paid off my first car, ready to get married, settle down and have kids of my own. I’m an adult who can understand why her parents are the way they are now with another view. Now I cannot feel as hurt and as much pain as I did the night before, when they cannot hold the time of day for me.
I’m calm now that the sun has peaked through the window letting me know I got through another day. Hugging me with her light and warmth, she whispers, “You can live out this new day as you please”. And I’m going to do just that. No need to ruin that with your generational tactics of guilt, just leave me alone until I am ready to share my true calm. Right now the peace I feel is a facade covering the ticking time bomb sitting in my chest, creeping passed my throat waiting on my tongue for my mouth to open and regret to spill through. For both of us give me that space so I can come to terms with my newfound peace.
Below is a drawing I knew had a meaning but wasn’t quite sure until last night. And below that is a poem I spent the night typing out as I felt my emotions to the end of their necessary time.
I’m Calm
Waking up at 3am because tears squeezed out of my closed eyes. Dragging myself downstairs to the basement where I let those tears pool onto my desk as I typed this out. As I worked on this I was accompanied by two others. And I mentioned to one:
“I think good and bad don’t exist at this hour. It’s the purest form of thought and words to be freed until their person is at peace. That’s why you feel at tune with everything at this time. Everything’s a blanket of all it encompasses whether it be good or bad which turns it all to one shade, in order for the person to process it with ease. Instead of overthinking as we normally would when our mind’s are more susceptible to dividing and categorizing during normal hours.”
Thank you to:
To the two people who accompanied me, Thank you! I kept them awake with my nonsense until they passed out. I’d like to thank you guys for allowing me your ear and sharing such a lovely late night early morning conversation. I appreciate you both and thank you for reminding me of the friends I have though I tell myself I’m alone. You guys helped create this calm for me as well.