Reaching Out

Saturday, October 16, 2021

A Morning Rant.

I want to be there for you. But what can one broken soul do for another? All we can do is exchange our low energy and keep our dim lights from blowing out.

I don’t see a good reason to do anything more than reach out and check in. You do better with in-person interactions. I’m terrible with face to face when it involves you. You have always been great at thriving in my company but the moment I leave, you fall a bit slower into your own void. I love to see you in a good mood, enjoying your time, but at the coast of being drained and left to keep my own light lit. An exchange not so equivalent when it should and could be. That part isn’t your fault, though, you already know how closed off I am.

Which makes it difficult, I bet, for anyone else trying to be my friend. But for you, I believe you are used to it. Annoyed but you handle it better than most. A random friendship we developed because time has bound us. Each personal phase, each attitude and behavior, we witnessed the good and bad of one another and here we are still.

Our Differences

I haven’t being doing a great job keeping in touch, as of lately. I’ve been trapped in my own void trying to pull myself out. You are a beautiful friend willing to help and lend an ear, if only I was accepting. You understand how to be a friend and I understand how to keep a friendship but we both have trouble when it comes to each other. The execution is never quite right.

I’m a loner by choice but for you it’s not the same. You prefer the attention of others to distract you from your reality. I do not allow myself to need or rely on anyone. We live on the same line but on the opposite extreme ends. Like-minds with different views.

The interesting part is the balance. If you are in a negative mindset I tend to keep on the positive side and you do the same for me. It’s usually more rare for me to allow my negativity to show around you but you have a lovely positive outlook on life. Whether you believe it or you’re just good at talking out of your ass is a different story.

That’s what keeps our conversations from dying. The fact we know how to speak to one another. Be as blunt yet respectful because we know how the other should hear it. There is no filter just pure mind melds that can definitely go to far but all with love at the end of the day.

Reaching Out

I’m trying my best to survive and I believe you are too. It’s not a day that goes by that you don’t cross my mind. Your face pops up in my head quite often and I know you are but a text or call away. I’m just not good at initiating a conversation because of the fear it might be a bad time.

I don’t know why I still carry that. It’s been almost 9 years and I still get nervous. But not because you have traumatized me or vis versa. It’s because I don’t want to be the cause of ruining your day by saying the wrong thing or being misunderstood when you are already in a sensitive state.

I’m sure you would rather me bother you with small talk than not at all. Just know you are not the only one I have this trouble with. I’m just not great at actually reaching out. Keeping you in thought is easier though. I’ve come to master calling you with my mind. I end up hearing from you right away but with all that effort I could have just messaged you instead. It’s something I’ll continue to work on.

Love You Always

I’ve always told you, “you are my favorite person”. And that will always hold true. No mater the years that go by or the drama that we put each other through, I will forever consider you my dearest friend. The love I have for you as a soul is enough to last lifetimes.

What a pair we are. We would be great together until we’re not. As easily as we can rule this world is as easily we can also burn it down. We don’t cooperate in the way we want each other to. We are both toxic yet respectful and caring. But I am controlling and you will always be seen to me as a free soul. I don’t want to cage you so I keep my distance. You require a lot of space to stretch your wings but I don’t believe you know how free you are.

No matter how long it takes, I will be here waiting in excitement to see you fly. You are destined for greatness. You are going to do wonderful things and discover yourself along the way. And when you come back around I will be here ready to hear about it all. I love you and I wish nothing but the best for you!!

P.S. sorry I didn’t just message you last night. I felt like typing this all out was easier for me than reaching out. Hopefully I do reach out when I post this…