Have you ever been told, “be nice”, because someone believes you have to be reminded to speak with a filter? This normally ends in two different ways: you comply or you wil’ out. In my case, I remove myself. When the “protected individual” strays in my direction, who am I not to show some teeth and bark words of warning. If they get bit and blood is draw do not look at me as if I wasn’t in the right. Your mussel only works on me if I stick around. So keep those you worry I will bite on a tighter leash.
I am compassionate and respectful. In the moment, I’m not trusted of being civil is when I like to put on a good performance. Whether it ends with a standing ovation or someone running out in tears, know the stage was set for me before I was even aware. Queued before seeing a script, so I improvise. And you better believe I’m an expert now.
It never used to be like this. I was told, when I was younger, people were warned before coming around me. I guess attempting to tame the wild child with a sharp tongue and mean glare seemed easier as I got older. The untamed child isn’t wild anymore though. She feels stuck.
Stuck on the Words, “Be Nice”
I no longer put myself in any of those situations. I stay as far as I can locked away in my tower. “Be nice,” has me in it’s borders. Instead of being myself, I shut down. Overthinking my next words and staying silent stuck in thought until it all fades and nothing. I don’t bother with speaking at all.
The sad part, I moved into an already occupied establishment. I claimed my space and only utilize the rest of the house when I’m the only one here. I know if I hang around with my roommates they will realize why I’ve kept to myself. Nothing to do with my likability but with territory. If I allow myself to coexist with them I believe there will be a battle for territories that I will ultimately win. This will cause problems for my boyfriend with his friends and their behind the scene discussion on the topic of me. They will be miserable and forced to isolate themselves as I do now. There’s no reason for that since they were here first. I carry all the consideration for everyone here.
I continue to distance myself for their sake. Being told to be nice, in a general sense, by someone who didn’t even know me at the time is an eye opener. It locks me away because I didn’t take it lightly. If an outsider felt like I had to be told to “be nice”, I must be out of line. There’s no warning barks or other’s to explain my behavior here. I just keep to myself and hope no one comes knocking on my door.
Controlling My Anger or Suppressing it
I have a lot to say but speaking out on issues that should be a house discussion seems like it will cause more issues. Misunderstandings could arise, grudges towards words held with the wrong tone, and petty behavior can begin to brew. These are examples of how I will move forward from a conversation that involve people I hold no more than surface care for.
I do not know how to control my anger but suppressing it is second nature. It’s extremely easy to tell because my face gives it away. My eyes get watery and my bottom lip gets tighter from biting down on the inner chunk of flesh. No more than a minute later and it passes. Though, if brought up too soon, my eyes tear up and my nose gets stuffy. I try to leave the situation and calm myself down because facing it doesn’t appeal to me. I believe it will make it worse. Seeing the person I have a problem with watching me as tears fall and my words don’t match. “So dramatic…” Punching a person in the face just feels so much more fitting than using words when anger strikes. Especially if I can’t control my eyes.
It’s overwhelming because not only am I holding onto the current anger, but every single time I was upset. I’m just filling an already full jar of emotions I haven’t released. Majority of it is toxic feelings that hold no value anymore. Just acid thinning my tolerance for stupidity. Compassion and respect for others are dangling by a thread. I’m holding on to them. I know the monster I can be and I know there’s never a need for it to come forward.
The Month of Gratitude
I would like to be able to express myself without crying, my nose running, and my throat burning. I know why they do it but I need it to stop. My body wants me to release. It physically can’t handle me mentally holding it all in that it releases in anyway possible. I get it.
The month of November celebrates the lifestyle of speaking out what we are grateful for and giving back out of the purest kindness. It’s a lifestyle because having gratitude in every moment of living is ideal. I believe this is one of the greater keys to a happy life. I also know it’s what I struggle most with.
The goal is to stop and take it all in. Be excited about living and not stuck on small things that hold no meaning other than to bring you down. Let’s appreciate it all and allow it to sweep us away in it’s joy. So much so that we can’t help but spread our gratitude until it reaches everyone. Wouldn’t that be nice?
I’m Trying to “Be Nice”
Thank you for reading this. I’m definitely trying to work on myself to be less intense and just be happy. I want to be nice on my own terms and not allow it to escalate into something ill intentioned. I think keeping in mind what I am grateful for can help relax my mind. I’ll figure out how to not be anger as much one day.
Thank you again for following me on this journey of allowing my mind to escape freely through my typed words. I appreciate it!