Tale of a Silenced Introvert
Tuesday, July 19, 2022
Locked away from most, the mind doesn’t provide just anyone with the key. Sometimes not even to yourself. Locked words in the mind crave to be spoken aloud, heard by anyone, and set free. The amount of trust it takes for a closed off mind to feel comfortable out weighs the desire to even get close to an individual to begin with.
Why speak if you have nothing nice to say? Why express your feelings in spoken words if no one cares to listen anyway? Why talk at all if the effort is lost? These are the questions first asked before becoming a silenced introvert.
“The biggest wall you have to climb is the one you build in your mind: Never let your mind talk you out of your dreams, trick you into giving up. Never let your mind become the greatest obstacle to success. To get your mind on the right track, the rest will follow.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Locked Words in the Mind
A cage, locked up tight, holds inside itself a safe with no combination lock. It sits at the bottom of a underground lake where the only entrance has been caved in drastically.
In the cage, my secrets and voice sleep uncomfortably. In the safe, repressed memories and feelings that I wish I set free tire at scratching the door. All trapped away so well I forget about them at the bottom of the lake of childhood confusion and misunderstood events. And beyond the cave, Wrath stands as gate keeper. The closer I get the more displaced rage lashes out on the wrong people. So why bother dealing with all that?
Either I fully commit in digging up all of it or continue adding more layers to the mess called my mind. I’m not great at intermediates. It’s either 0 or 100 and neither seem healthy. Baby steps would only leave room for back tracking but that could be just an excuse so I don’t have to work on me. Proceeding as if fully put together until someone asks me a simple, “how are you?” and the façade breaks in front of them.
I wish I could respond honestly. I wish it was easy to speak my pain without feeling it all over again. It’s clear for anyone to see my eyes screaming for help with every tear rolling down my face yet my mouth won’t open. My throat closes up and air starts to escape me. And then a deep staggered breath taken only pulls my teeth shut until I can feel the pressure in my cheek bones. Until my mind drifts growing more susceptible to outside distractions granting a response, “I’m okay, how are you?” as default.
Words are Unnecessary
Why speak when I can take charcoal to a page and allow my feelings to bleed out freely? Why struggle to find the words when throwing paint releases the pressure in my head just enough to remember I’m human? I know words are necessary but there’s a time and place for them. And for someone gifted with talents in the arts why not use them as a placeholder until the day comes that speaking becomes easier.
Verbal words hold no value if not recorded or written down in order to go back to. Spoken aloud words enter the ears only partially remembered and slowly forgotten. With art (a painting, drawing, sketch) there’s a physical product you can hold in your hands and see for oneself the feelings once felt. Locked words in the mind become illustrated so all can see and witness instead of falling into insanity’s spiral.
Why bring all of these feelings up in conversation? I see no need to ruin someone else’s day just to ease internal predicaments. Seems selfish when I attempt talking out my feelings but anyone else unloading their weight is understood as absolutely normal. I can accept other people go through similar situations and the quickest solution for them is to let it out verbally.
I have yet to accept that truth for myself though. The amount of trust needed to speak about yourself to another is more than I have currently.
The Mind’s Current State
There’s a great deal of suffering in the world that makes my life seem like a joy. At times, my life holds the simplicity and wonder to want to enjoy the day and those to come. I’m sure that goes for everyone. But there comes a time when you wake up and instantly bombarded with sadness and despair. An overwhelming regret clouding the mind and glazing over the eyes. Why get out of bed and leave even the slightest comfort?
Where someone begins to talk and you hope they can hear the voice in your head responding to them yet wonder why they don’t understand you. Where desire to come across someone who can just read your mind and alleviate the strain of speaking.
There’s so much I want to say. Certain people take up space in my thoughts and I rather they stayed away. I would enjoy nothing more than if they vanished from my memory. But some people hold greater rank in reality. There’s no forgetting but I’ve mastered ignoring them. That’s the closest I can get. The problem with that, scenarios still play out: what I want to say and how I wish they would react verses how I believe they might actually.
I would love nothing more than to be left alone. Allowing me to figure out the mess in my mind until I’m ready to move forward. Locked words in the mind crave to be spoken aloud, heard by anyone, and set free. I intend to find the key and do just that, set them free. Because a silenced introvert leaves me stranded on an island too stubborn to look out to shore at all the passing vessels. Rescue is at a reasonable distance away I just have to want to clear the path.
Thank You!
Thank you for reading through this one. Writing it out lightened up some weight on my shoulders. Had a good majority already typed out but didn’t feel like finishing it or that the timing was right until now. Something about this topic could’ve been dragged out even longer but I just wanted to say my piece and leave it at that.
I do appreciate those who find these post with curious eyes. It means a lot knowing I’m not the only one feeling a certain way or going through something. It reminds me that I’m human and I believe everyone should keep that in mind.
Thank you again for reading this post. I hope you all have a beautiful day and enjoy the weather!!!