Entry Two: Why is it…? My Acknowledged Self

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

Why is it questions that I thought needed answers to don’t hold as much of a grip on me as they once did? These are the things I thought about when I was younger. Still questions I’ll run into as I grow older, but not as frequently brought up since life has gotten brighter.

Artwork Explained

Before I get into it I’d like to share the meaning of my art piece. I decided to pick this one for this particular article because of the story behind it. A blue lady in a world of warm hues clearly not blending in very well. She covers herself in the surrounding foliage not to fit in but to stir up questions of curiosity. Lure in those who spot her cold appearance and proceed to guide them into the void in front of her.

She isn’t from this part of the world. She used to reside in colder climates of sadness and depression. One day while walking around with her head down and tears clouding her vision, she finds herself lost in a forest of violence. The red people here hunted each other. But when she first encountered one they instantly started crying. Such a new experience, the individual avoided her.

She slowly began to understand her new found purpose. Take over this forest and rid it of it’s anger. Those nosy few asking questions before attacking, learned they stood no chance when faced with sadness. The void the lady spoke about so calmly seemed like the freedom everyone needed. So one by one day after day each individual threw down their weapons and joined the other into the void as if it were better. The once red forest began to turn lighter growing orange in color as the killing halted.

Alone again but she is now engulfed by worse emotions. Not only did she remain blue but the environment has warped her view with internal screams and yelling. Her outside appearance and voice continues to express soft tones and peace. But inside she is falling apart even more than she once was when she was only surrounded in sorrow.

Why is it I Struggle to Speak?

Why is it that my verbal words once expressed leave my body shaking and my eyes a blurry mess? Tears attempting to masquerade down my face against my permission. Why when I speak my mind comes off misunderstood and heard with aggressive tones? I’ve yet to master a way of speech that doesn’t have to be decoded for what it is; locked pain trying to escape. Why is it I haven’t found someone as attentive of a listener as me? (Who I wouldn’t have to pay in order to clear my mind). I most likely deny anyone the chance to be there for me, since it wouldn’t be in the way I want them to be.

My words ride on a large portion of my strength. Pride follows close behind each statement made. So I have no desire to share thoughts with those who have no reason to know my opinion. When I grant that privilege to a select few, I grow tried and drained since it took that very strength to allow those words to leave their cage. Honesty falls out of my mouth by default when asked any question. But I pull back when I feel someone can use my information to their advantage. Trust is a locked gate in front of everything other than, “Hi, my name is Ariana”. Even then there’s no need for my name to be said unless calling out for my attention directly.

Why is it I Keep my Distance?

A person’s first impression of me is rarely sweet. They see this chick that doesn’t speak and gives everyone a “leave me alone” glare. Those unfortunate few who are oblivious to the mood find out one of two things: I’m not friendly or extremely personable. A gamble no one should risk because at the end of the day my mind doesn’t seem to care enough to remember their name. Their constant presence after the first is what forces new information to be squeezed into the daily memory section that already has limited space.

Why is it I keep those close to me at an arms length? Friends can only get so close before they invade my personal bubble and all safety nets are gone. You didn’t appreciate my truth before. What makes you think I’ll let up just because more time has passed and I know all your secrets now. Probably should have put your trust in someone softer than yourself. I have no self control over the outrageous things I think of about others and I don’t seem to have an apology button.

My only means of prevention is to stay clear of the commotion. And not get involved in situations that can be figured out without me. Sure I’ll listen but the moment you expect more than that is when friendships are broken. I’m perfectly fine of saying anything out of line and in my way helpful. I just do not want anyone being nosy asking me personal question they are defiantly not ready for.

Why is it I Make my Life Difficult?

I, do in fact, make my life difficult for keeping all of this inside. I understand I am my greatest wall to climb over in order to move forward towards a happier life. But happiness isn’t even the goal. I strive for greatness beyond momentary joy so if I ever fall short I still land on something better than where I was before.

I believe life is not supposed to be walked in a straight line. Life is meant to be lived to it’s fullest. Meaning, all emotions should be felt. Conversations with interesting and not so entertaining people should be had. That meteor I’ve been waiting for to land in front of me just so I can believe my life is interesting has in fact landed. Everyday is interesting. The good and the bad there is always something happening. And if I have to create a difficult tomorrow to have a great today than I believe it is worth it.

Making my life difficult isn’t done on purpose but is understood with acceptance that this was the path I picked. No need to back track just have to get through it since everything does pass in time. Feelings had in a bad situation soon vanish once new experiences happen. That being said this is the only question I have an answer for and I’m okay with that.

Thank You!

Thank you for reading through this heavily edited version of an old journal entry. I think I’m going to continue to pick out entries that are somewhat personal and little open widows to deeper parts of my mind. I’m just happy past me enjoyed writing as much as current me does. Though past me was a lot darker and overdramatic. Still lovely to read through her thoughts so I hope you enjoy reading through them too.

Thank you again and I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the day!!